Judgment, Shame, and Healing

I was introduced to this Rebecca Spalding song by Maggie Wheeler in a workshop several years ago and the minute I heard it I was in tears.  The lyrical line, "before you throw the stones of judgment" transported me to the religious world of my past where judgment was often preached against while simultaneously being levied on everybody and everything "not like us."  It was a strange dichotomy and one I have been unpacking continuously at ever-deepening levels since leaving the church.

I realized recently that shame cannot exist without judgment.  If there is no one judging me for my decisions, thoughts, behaviors, or perspectives then I won't feel shame.  The more judgment I experience the more shame I will feel, even if that judgment eventually comes from myself as I internalize the voices of judgment and shame that have resounded loudly in my ears for a lifetime.

About the same time that I learned this song I was also introduced to the idea that anything a person does, says, thinks, or feels is a direct response to their lived experiences.  Or as Shakespeare put it in his tragedy, Hamlet, and a friend has on her outgoing voicemail message, "There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."   Although not at all a popular view from within the fundamental Christian world of my past, today I understand the wisdom of this truth.

We are all products of the cumulative effect of the inputs, perspectives, cultural norms, family stories, and opportunities we've had in our lives.  As children we are taught to judge and be judged, and the harsher the world in which we are imprinted, the harsher our judgment of ourselves and others and the louder our sense of shame at not measuring up to the harsh judgments we feel.

I have been struggling for years to reconcile seemingly irreconcilable pieces of my life and I have sensed judgment consistently from all sides.  The only thing that has effectively minimized my sense of judgment and shame has been doing the tough personal digging to understand the roots of my shame and judgment and make peace with my story as a human among humans.

As a participant in a 12-step program for children of dysfunctional systems (and who among us doesn't qualify to some degree or another for that program?!), the solution that we read at each meeting and attempt to learn to practice regularly is "to become your own loving parent."  A year ago I had a dear friend and wise elder remind me that my job was to love, understand, and comfort myself.  As an adult, my spiritual work is to show up for myself with the love, understanding, and comfort that I longed for as a child but didn't receive in the ways I needed it.  THIS is a human experience.  None of us had perfect childhoods.  We all have hurts and patterns of relating that are more harmful than helpful.  I don't believe that there's a single person on the planet who hasn't experienced judgment and shame to some degree or another, and as I understand my own story better I am far less judgmental of myself and others.

I am learning to recognize and hold myself in my places of pain rather than to hope that someone else will ease my discomfort.  I am understanding that the miles I've walked have been in shoes unique to ME - partly what I came wired with and partly the experiences I've had away, but uniquely my experiences nonetheless.  The results of those experiences are part of our shared humanity.  I can love and understand others to the degree I grow to love and understand myself.

My healing journey is far from over, but I'm grateful for the ways I see and feel progress along the way.

​How are you holding your heart as you heal?