Are You An Emotionally Safe Person?

As I continue to deconstruct and decondition my automatic responses and ways of being in the world, I recognize how little emotional safety I had as a child...and how difficult it is still for me to engage with emotionally unsafe situations.  I am also increasingly aware of places I tend to re-create emotionally unsafe circumstances for myself and those around me, and the many ways I want to continue growing in this area.

Of course, this all begs the question: What is emotional safety in the first place?  How can we cultivate more of it?

Emotional safety is about being supported to know and to share our true feelings in any given moment and to be heard, validated, and accepted...wherever we are, without being:
a) shamed for having our feelings,
b) told how we can feel differently, or
c) given simplistic solutions to the complex situations that comprise life as a human.

When someone shares their story with you, what is your response?  Do you listen without interruption?  Are you aware of your own feelings as you listen?  Do you know how to name and validate your feelings and support the other person in doing the same?  Are you eager to share your opinion or convince someone of how they "should" or "shouldn't" feel about their experiences or what they "should" or "shouldn't" do in order to live as you would live?  Does your own discomfort require that you leave the feeling space altogether and go to a "logical" response that is argumentative, case-building, self-righteous, or judgmental?  Do you find yourself falling into scripted responses that don't support the person who has bravely and vulnerably shared their life with you?

These questions are ones that I have come to consider for myself when I am listening to others who for whatever reason choose to share their experiences and their feelings with me.  All of us can increase our capacity for emotional intelligence, and as we do, not only do we become more whole people ourselves but we are also exponentially more available to create emotional safety for those we love.

I recently read The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America's Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson.  There is much that could be said about this insightful and moving book, but in thinking about emotional safety, this line on the back cover that struck from a review by The New Yorker pretty well sums it up: "What Wilkerson urges, finally, isn't argument at all; it's compassion.  Hush, and listen."

Where would you like to grow your compassion today?  What does it feel like for you to receive the gift of emotional safety in conversations?