Exploring Empathy

Recently I've been thinking about emotional intelligence, empathy, and how we evolve as humans.  Just as crossword and sudoku puzzles, reading, and in-depth study of a topic we want to learn more about exercises our mental and intellectual capacity and regular physical exercise trains our body and our physical muscles toward health, I've learned in my meandering way that with regular exercise I can train my emotional self to develop a greater sense of wellbeing and connection. 
 
Our emotional quotient (EQ) has been defined as "the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict."* 
 
Empathy is one such muscle that I get to exercise as I grow my capacity for emotional connection.  One of the first places I intentionally began training my empathy muscle was with my husband.  As we have together faced more of the truth of who we are as people and what is challenging in our relationship,  I have been naturally fearful and confused.  As we evolve, it's often not clear what the reality of our personal growth might mean for our marriage.  I consistently know that I love him and that at his core he has always been the person I fell in love with and married.  I know his story; I see the places of his pain and hurt; I share in aspects of his heart that long for healing even as I face similar places in myself.  The deeper awareness and capacity to hold space for the pain of his story alongside my own as we have created an "our story" has allowed me to cultivate compassion and increase my empathy, first for him and eventually for myself.
 
Developing empathy for others has, at times, come easier than extending empathy to myself.  I tend to hold myself to a pretty high standard and can judge myself mercilessly for not having made more progress or being further along than I am on some imaginary timeline I create for myself.  I can also explain away the pain I experience along the way by rationalizing, justifying, and excusing the behavior of others that have contributed to my own pain.  Seeing my experiences clearly and knowing my own story more deeply is part of my process.  Cultivating empathy for myself and continuing to strengthen my empathy muscle is a practice that I lean in to daily.
 
The first step in cultivating empathy both for myself and others is recognizing where my Judge shows up by learning to hear the language my self-critic effortlessly employs.  The internal comments about what I  "should" do or where and why I am not "better, faster, higher, stronger" in any area of life are places that I have come to recognize my Judge hiding with a relentless critique.
 
As my awareness increases I have a choice to gently identify my "Camouflaged Critic," as I've christened her, and to kindly replace the messages of doubt, criticism, disdain, anger, self-pity, and regret with support, encouragement, understanding, compassion, and love.  Sometimes I even ask myself "what would you say to a friend in this situation?"
 
In this way I exercise the muscle of empathy to overcome my challenges by holding myself gently along the way.  As I get to know myself and my own story better I am more easily able to hold space for and even celebrate my growth because I see and understand more clearly where I have been.  I remind myself that I'm perfectly on the path and that everything is as it should be.  These challenges that I face personally, in my marriage, and in my family are where my healing, growth, and evolution can happen, and I am better able to determine my next steps when I feel supported and loved through the process than when I am berated and belittled...especially when that critical voice is my own.
 
Where and how does your Judge show up in your life?  What is the language and tone of your own self-talk and what do you want it to be?  How can you choose to give yourself and those you love the gift of empathy today?
 
Source:  *https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/emotional-intelligence-eq.htm